Commerce Secretary Confused Why Federal Employees Won’t Sell Kidneys For Cash

In light of the news that federal employees were beginning to use food banks after going 5 weeks without pay, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross suggested that they consider selling their organs since there is no apparent end to the government shutdown.

Ross recanted on his previous suggestion that those employees affected take out loans instead of receiving food assistance after realizing the intensity of the stalemate between President Trump and the Democrats in Congress.

“Telling our federal employees to get loans was a bit optimistic,” he explained. “I can’t say for certain if the shutdown will be over in 30 days when they would be expected to make payments, and I realize they probably want money now.”

The Secretary then revealed his plan to encourage employees to sell their organs those who needed transplants. He noted how this would allow a large lump sum to assist in planning out the next few months of finances and help out a good cause.

“A good kidney can definitely get you about $5,000 which should be plenty of money to last until the shutdown ends,” Ross stated.

As expected, this extreme measure was met with much backlash by federal employees who were “appalled and disgusted” at the Secretaries words.

“That’s not nearly enough money,” exclaimed Shianne Johnson, a Washington Department of Parks & Recreation employee, who continued to explain “I make nearly $2,500 a week and am already out 5 weeks’ worth of wages. To think that I would settle for a $5,000 charge for a kidney is outrageous!”

Senate Democrats were equally appalled House Majority Leader Chuck Schumer stated “This idea is ridiculous. There are clearly more human ways to raise money during this troublesome shutdown, such as selling clothing, plasma, or even marijuana where it’s legal.”

No currently furloughed employees have stepped forward in support of the measure and Schumer expects that none will participate in this “wacko scheme.”


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